To Make Ends Meet
by roxymar
Summary: People shouldn't have to worry about raising a family at a young age or changing your own father's diapers. Due to unexpected circumstances, Bella must make an important choice. Due to having no one else, Edward has to endure alone.
1. Prologue

To Make Ends Meet

Prologue

Sitting here allows me a privilege I have been too busy to have for a while…time to think. Time for me to really, honestly, critically think. I have been denied this quiet time ever since I have picked up that fateful phone call. That day seems so long ago, but in actuality, it wasn't _that_ long ago.

Time flies within a blink of an eye…life flies within a blink of an eye. No one is immortal. Many even leave this Earth too soon, but for everyone else life just seems to pass by without notice. It just flies on by and when you realize how much has passed…it's too late. Life already flown by

Come to think of it, I have never thought about the fundamental importance of life itself. Not just for my own life, but life in general. The whole spectrum on what makes a life worth having…worth living. Right now I have four lives on my shoulders. Four little people depending on _me_. Those four put all of their hopes and dreams on me. What can I do with that?

I'm only 22 years old and I have more responsibility than I could ever imagine. The day to day trials are exhausting, so exhausting that I wonder if what I'm fighting for is worth it. I mean, I gave up everything to be here: my fun life, my boyfriend, college, and just plain free _will_. I can't do anything for myself anymore. Everything I do can backfire and have disastrous consequences. These consequences could ruin not just my life, but the life of four important people. I have to think for others and not myself. Some people live their whole life for themselves and not others. I'm here living for others, is it better or worse? Right now, I don't know

_Oh man_

Sometimes I wonder if I had made the right choice. I wonder if _I_ am the best option for them.

I want to be greedy and selfish so I can keep them. So I can keep my family together. But now, here in this courtroom, I have to wonder if what I'm doing is best for them.

Will their lives be any better with me? Can I really help them? Can I provide them everything they need? Or would they be better off with someone else? Someone else that may be more stable for them…someone that hasn't made as many mistakes as I have. Someone that might be able to give them things I never could.

But then again, no one would be able to love them more than I could. No one can provide them with roots and a foundation the way I can.

The pros don't outweigh the cons and I just need to fight.

_I can do this_

_I can do this _

_I can do this_

"Isabella Swan?"

I turned my head to see who interrupted my helpful mantra. Then I saw the helpful officer that has been so kind to me and my family.

"Yes?"

He gave me a hopeful smile.

"They are ready for you now. Good luck"

"Thank you"

I stood up and went through the open door. I walked through with not only my life on the line…but four little other as well…

**So, this is my new story that I love so much. Don't worry; I plan to alternate updates between T2E and this one. This story means a lot to me so be kind. Let me know your thoughts and theories to this cryptic opening. Lots of love,**

**-Roxy**


	2. Chapter 1

To Make Ends Meet

Chapter 1

BPOV

"Pass the joint over, it's my turn" I whined. Mike was smoking the rest of my stash! Even though I made the joint!

"Chill out Bella, we have plenty" he exhaled. I reached over for the joint when he pulled me into his arms, making me straddle his lap. "Come here, you"

He inhaled another hit but this time he leaned to kiss me and exhaled the smoke right into my opened mouth. I love it when he shotguns me.

"Better?"

"Hmmm, thanks" I exhaled.

I loved this feeling. My head feels like it spinning in the most amazing ways, my body relaxing into the couch and my mind just…peaceful. Mike and I just finished finals and we came back to my apartment to relax. I took another hit from the joint and humming towards the feeling it's giving me. Mike kept his red eyes on me. We've been smoking weed since our test ended four hours ago. It's easy to see we are on cloud nine. Lucky we had a fan and left the window open so my apartment wouldn't be smoky. My roomie wouldn't mind anyway.

"Anything for you, now…" he put out the joint in my ash tray "Is there anything else I can _do_ for you?" he pulled me further down into the couch laying himself between my legs. I reached out and wrapped my one arm around his neck and the other in his nice blonde hair. All the while he pushed his hands up my shirt and began rubbing my breast. He always pushed them together and licked the inside of them, my shirt was low cut enough where he could do just that.

"I think I can think of something" I whispered as I started rubbing myself against him, he face still between my breasts. He leaned up and captured my lips between his. I immediately opened up and put my tongue in his mouth. He always moans when I do that shit to him

"Fuck Bella, I want you so bad. When does your roommate get back?"

I looked over towards the digital clock and saw that she should be home any minute.

"Damn, she should be here soon."

"Want to give her a show?" he joked, wiggling his eyebrows at me. He always thought Tina was cute and I know he fantasizing us having a threesome with her…but that's not going to happen. Tina is a strict lesbian. I socked him in his arms. "OW, okay okay, chill. Want to finish this in your room then?" as he rubbed his erection between my legs. I moaned and reached for another kiss.

"Yes…oh please"

He didn't waste any time grabbing my ass and carrying me up to my room. We landed on my bed with a thud as I immediately reached to take off his shirt. He has an amazing body with a strong chest that just makes me want to lick him all day. After his shirt was off he grabbed me and pinned my arms above my head. He leaned in and huskily whispered in my ear

"Keep them here" he emphasized by biting my ear. I moan again when he reached the hem of my shirt to take it off and threw it on the floor. It didn't take him long to throw my bra there too. "Fuck you have amazing tits Bella"

I moaned again when he started sucking on my right nipple. I faintly heard the door open and close. It's a good thing we left the couch, Tina is home. I couldn't care less right now…me knowing her she's probably going to finish off our joint anyway

I arched my back when Mike bit my nipple. "Oh God" I moaned. He kept his mouth on me when he lowered his hands and started working my jeans off me.

"Fuck Bella, no panties" he groaned.

I giggled, "I was in a hurry this morning"

"That just makes this easier huh?" He scooted down my body, removing my jeans. He got off the bed to look at me. "Your gorgeous" He kept his eyes on me as he removed his jeans and boxers. My heart was pounding threw my chest as I saw how hard he was

"Want me?" I teased

"Can't you tell?" he replied as he crawled up between my legs again. I grabbed a fistful of hair and just fucking devoured his mouth. The high that I have mixed with Mike's body is the perfect means to end a day. I kept rubbing my body against his trying to get some kind of friction until he finally took the hint and put his hand between my legs. "Fuck, you're so wet" he groaned. He inserted two fingers in me while rubbing his thumb over my clit

"Oh, Mike just like that…" I moaned

The phone started ring and I ignored it. Mike's pace started getting faster and faster and I was on the brink-just right there-oh

Then I heard banding on the door, "Bella, you have a phone call!" Tina yelled

I ignored her, "Fuck Mike don't stop, oh…god..so…so…so close…"

"Bella phone!"

"Tina fuck off!" I yelled losing my buzz

"They say it's an emergency!"

"Tina I swear to fucking God, stop banging on the God damn door!" I yelled.

"Then pick up the fucking phone, this shit sounds serious!"

"Fine!"

Mike looked at me and I exhaled. I reached down and removed his hand from between my legs. He sighed. I turned over and reached for the phone, painting like I have just run a marathon.

"What?"

"Is this Isabella Marie Swan?" a man asked

My heart stopped, "Um, yes it is. What's going on?" I creased my eyebrows together wondering what's going on. Mike started rubbing his body against me from behind but the knots in my stomach were not feeling him. I pushed his body away from me.

"Hello, my name is Officer Cullen and I'm afraid I have some bad news for you…are you sitting down?"

My heat started pounding louder in my chest. I sat up on the bed.

"I'm sitting"

"I truly regret to inform you that both your parents were involved in a fatal vehicle accident tonight. You were on your parent's emergency contact list. I'm so sorry"

…

Ringing

Ringing was the only thing I heard.

Ringing kept on buzzing incredibly loud in my ears.

I gasped in a breath and my eyes widen

_Please God let this be some kind of cruel joke_

"S-say that again?" I whispered as my head starting spinning in the worst way possible. My heart pounding so loud I can hear it

I heard him hold his breath and released it. "I'm so sorry Isabella, your parents died tonight."

_Oh God_

"Isabella?"

_Oh God_

"Isabella? Can you hear me?

_Oh my motherfucking God! This just….this can't be real_

"Miss Swan, I need you to answer me. Are you okay?"

"I-I don't…I don't know…I don't know what to do….I…" I gasped. My breath catching up in my throat, fighting for air

"Isabella?"

"Oh God, are you sure? This has to be some mistake! My father has never had so much as a fucking speeding ticket before"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm so sorry."

_Oh my God, this can't be real…this just can't be…this is something from my worst nightmare_

_I can't believe this is happening_

"I don't know what to do! How am I suppose to react….oh god! What do I do? What's going to happen? Are you positive it's Charlie and Rene Swan? Please tell me you're just joking. I promise I won't be mad…I'll laugh even, just tell me you're joking" I begged as tears started pouring down my face. Mike came up to sit behind me but I pushed him off again.

"This isn't a joke. You parents are here in the Forks General Hospital. Your siblings are here. There is no one to take care of them tonight so we have to take them to a foster felicity in Port Angels."

I gasped

"W-what?"

"They are all minors and you all don't have any living relatives. They are going to go into the foster program until further notice."

"No! Don't do that. I'm on my way…I'll book a flight tonight…I'll be there soon I promise, just don't take them to the foster home. I'll be right over"

"I'm sorry Isabella. We have to take them now. It's late and they need to sleep. But it would be best to come in town soon."

I hiccupped a few times before I replied a frantic. "I will, I'm will pack up right now."

"That's good. Please try to call me as soon as you get into town, there are some issues we have to deal with once you come into town"

I stopped.

"Issues…what kind of issues?"

"We'll discuss them when you get here."

His voice was so formal that it scared me. I ran over, still naked, to my laptop and checked for some last minute flights I can get on. It took me a second to collect myself to ask

"Are my siblings there with you now?"

"Yes, they are right here"

"May I speak with James please?"

"Of course" I heard him faintly ask for James to come to the phone.

"B-Bel-la? Bella you there?" James exuberantly asked.

Tears started falling down my face even more

"Yes sweetheart, it's me. Are you okay?"

"Oh Bella! Em-Emmett… says…mom….and d-dad…oh Bella they say mom and dad died! Bella please say he's…that he's wrong…please…please….please Bella. This can't be happening!" he stuttered.

"Calm down James. Just take deep breaths for me."

I took a loud deep breath and I heard James do the same on the other line. We both exhaled.

"Better sweetheart?"

He paused for a minute."I miss you…oh god I n-need you so much. Alec and Garrett won't say anything. They're just looking off at the wall and ask for you…I…I…I don't know what to do!"

He breaks off the phone and I can hear him loudly crying. I have to calm him down.

"I miss you too. I'm on my way. I just booked a ticket straight to Post Angels. I'll pick you guys up there first thing tomorrow morning. Okay?"

"I don't want to go to Port Angeles"

"Why can't you all stay with the Webbers for the night?"

"They are out of town"

"What about the Blacks?"

"They said since Billy was disable he couldn't help us, he tried though. Jacob is out of town too so he can't help us out either."

"Okay sweetheart. I'm on my way. I promise I'll be there soon. Just listen to…whoever that guy I was talking to earlier. Okay? Baby I need you to be strong for your little brothers and sister. I'll be there soon, just keep your brothers and sister with you. Don't let them out of your sight for a second and no matter what don't let anyone separate you guys. Can you do that for me sweetheart?"

"Y-yeah…Bella please get here soon. I can't handle this. I need you"

"I know baby, I need you guys too. I'll be there soon"

"Okay" he whispered.

"Be strong for me James. I love you"

"I love you too" he cried. "I love mom and dad….I can't believe this is happening. I'm just waiting for them to come out and tell me everything is going to be okay" he sobbed

"I'll be there sweetie, everything is going to be okay" I cried. "I'll see you in Port Angeles"

"Bella, it's a foster home. Are we going to be given up for adoption? Are we going to be okay?" he sobbed.

Adoption?

_Fuck! I didn't think about that! _

"You guys are going to be okay. I'll be there soon. I have to pack up. Give a kiss to Alec, Garrett and Victoria for me. I love you sweetheart. Go ahead and put that nice man back on the phone."

"I love you too." He whispered as he handed that man the phone.

"Isabella?"

"Adoption?" I sneered.

"That's a possibility. We are going to have to talk about that as soon as you come in. Do you have any flight plans yet?"

"Yes, I just booked myself a ticket. I leave at 4am….I should be there around 8am. Meet me at the airport?"

"Will do. I'll see you soon"

"Thank you…um"

"Cullen, Officer Emmett Cullen"

"Thank you officer Cullen, I'll see you in the morning."

"I'll be there, I'm sorry again for your loss" he voice sounded sincere enough. Without a last thought I just hung up the phone.

"What's going on? Why you packing?"

"My parents just died. I have to go." I spoke rushed, almost trying to be emotionless about the whole situation, when in reality I'm buzzing with fear, anxiety and loss. I can't believe this is happening to me

"Whoa, do you need anything?"

"No Mike I'm fine. I already booked a plane ticket. I have to leave in an hour….want to drive me to the airport?"

"Sure, it's only twenty minutes away….want to finish what we started?"

He had the nerve to ask me that! My parents just _died_!

"No, I'm pretty much out of the mood" I snapped.

"Sorry, I just heard death was an aphrodisiac"

"Well, it doesn't fucking work when your _parents_ die! Think about it Mike! How would you feel?"

"Geeze, sorry. I was just trying to lighten the mood. I'll get dressed and we'll leave to the airport" He got up off the bed and started putting on some close. I just stalked into the bathroom to take a quick shower.

I turned the water on as hot as I could make it. Once under the spray I truly reflect on what has just transpired not fifteen minutes ago, when my world just came crashing down.

My parents are gone. All possibilities that I wanted to experience with them are no longer available….Rene dressing me on my wedding day….Charlie walking me down the aisle…Rene giving me advice when I'm pregnant, telling me what I'm feeling is normal….Charlie teaching my children how to fish….Rene and me meeting up for lunches discussing anything and everything….Charlie being my protector. Oh god! I lost my protector! I lost the one person I'm suppose to depend on. Everyone always said a daddy is the only man a girl can trust.

I've always been my father's daughter. We were so alike. We are both internal and quiet souls. We could express so much with such few words. He knew me inside and out. He always got along with my little brothers, don't get me wrong but me and him had a special connection. Rene even found a quote that matched us from Garrison Keillor: _The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, "Daddy, I need to ask you something," he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan_

Charlie and I always had this unspoken rule about not showing too much affection and I understood that. My little siblings never did. James especially. But I understood. That's just how we are, how we work. There's nothing negative about it, it's just simple contentment.

My mom, on the other hand, is full of the affection to last ten people. She's always so reassuring and just completely nuts. In two words my mother is described as a: free spirit. She does whatever she wants regardless of society norms. If she sees that James was feeling low, she would turn Queen up really loud in his room and dance around for him until he was laughing and joining in on the dance. If she wants to show up to Alec's football games in a Halloween cheerleading costume, then she will (even if it is a little inappropriate …the sentiment was there). She even went to one of Garrett's battle of the book contests with a blow horn! She was the noisiest one there. If someone told her to tune it down, she would stick her tongue out and show them the bird.

When my mom was pregnant with Victoria, she drove me to Port Angels for lunch. Only lunch Rene style is a bit different. She parked the car in an old Wal-Mart parking space. Then we walk over to Burger King and got four double cheese burgers...then we walk over three blocks to Rally's to get orders of two large seasoned fries (the best fries in town)...then we cross the street and walk back towards the car only to stop by at Sonic to get two large Cherry Limeades with extra cherries.

I let out a hysterical sob in the shower.

I'll never be able to do that again! I'll never be able to tell them how much I loved them or how much they mean to me. Hell, I haven't even spoken with them in two months! How are they suppose to know? They must think I'm an awful daughter who didn't care about them…but I did! Oh God, I swear I did. I love them so so much!

"Bella, it's time to go"

I didn't realize I was sitting on the shower floor with my knees to my chest until I heard his voice, my tears just streaming down my face as if it's blended with the water.

"C-coming!" I sucked up as much air into my lungs and sat up. I turned off the water and got ready, since I was going to be in a plane I figured yoga pants and a tank would be best.

I saw Mike smoking another bowl and I gave him an irritated look.

"Let's go"

It wasn't long before we were in front of the terminal and Mike kissed me.

"When you coming back?"

"I honestly don't know. There's so much to take care of…"

"Well, I'll miss you. Call me later"

"Okay"

I kissed him again and left. The plane ride went as any plane ride goes. I slept through most of it. When I arrived, I quickly scanned the crowd for an officer

"Are you Isabella Swan?"

I recognized that voice, I turned around to see a huge burly looking guy. He was wearing an officer's uniform and it fit him perfectly. He looked really young, like my age, and at least 6'2 with muscles as big as my thighs. He wasn't the old retiree I had pictured in my head.

"Um, yes…call me Bella."

"It's very nice to meet you Bella. I'm Officer Cullen, I spoke to you on the phone last night. I can't explain to you how sorry I am for your loss. Charlie was a good friend of mine."

I looked up trying to keep my tears from falling again, I just can't let myself cry right now. I just whispered a quiet "Thank you"

"Well, we do have some important things to talk about. How about we go to Ray's Munchies for a bite to eat while we discuss them"

"Actually, I want to go get my siblings first"

"The important things we have to discuss have a lot to do with your sibling. Please follow me"

Without much room for my input, I followed him toward baggage claim and then we took off to the restaurant.

I ordered waffle ambrosia with coffee. Officer Cullen got a breakfast big enough for six people. While the poor waitress left with about three pages worth of food orders, he looked around before I spoke.

"So, what is it you wanted to speak to me about?"

"I hate to be the one who tells you but there are two hard things I have to tell you. Honestly there is no easy way to say them," he took off his cap and looked at me seriously, "I need to take you to the hospital first, so you can identify your parents' bodies. There's no one else that's allowed to. It has to be a family member and you're the only adult in your family qualified to do it. Even though they had their ids' with them and the car was in their name, we still need you to come in."

I couldn't get my head around what he just said. My mind just simply cannot fathom the idea of me seeing them like that; all pale and cold and just…..not alive. _Oh god I can't do this_. I just can't. My body, on the other hand, was on autopilot. I nodded my head as my mind was racing with ways to get out of this. My voice quivered when I asked, "What's the second thing?"

He put his head down, "I'm sorry but your siblings are most likely going to stay in foster care until they are adopted by a capable couple."

My heart stopped, my voice still gone as my red puffy eyes went wide.

"Now, I'm still more than happy to drive you around town. We'll make a quick stop at the hospital and then I'll take you to the foster house so you can see them. They'll most likely stay in town till the funeral, but after we'll have to take them to Greenleaf Treatment Foster care in Washington DC. They have a great adoption rate there. I'm sure your siblings will find nice houses"

Houses?

Adoption?

_What the fuck!_

Finding my voice I said the first three words that came to my head. "Oh fuck no!" I stood up from my chair. Officer Cullen's eyes go wide. "Who the hell are you to say my little brothers and sister are going to an adoption agency? Do you know what can happen in places like those?"

"Please sit down"

"No! Fuck you! You're here telling me my siblings are going to an adoption house and you want me to calm down? They could be hurt or even worse, _separated_. Some lousy couple is not going to want to adopt four kids _especially_ how old James is! No, they are !"

"I'm sorry but they have no other qualified guardians…."

"I thought I was their legal guardian if anything happened to my parents" I seethed. My face must be completely red

"You are, but surly you don't want to raise four kids at your age…your only 22"

"I can"

He ran his hands through his hair. When he looked up I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and how disheveled his hair looked. He seemed just as broken and tired as I am.

He cleared his throat before speaking. "Okay, I don't want to insult you, I know where your heart is at, but let's see your qualifications: you don't live here, you don't have a job, and if a judge asked you to take a drug test, could you pass one?"

I put my head down. No I can't, hell, I just got high last night. But I will not….no…._could_ not let this happen to them.

Determined I looked back at him, "I'll move back into town immediately and I'm sure I can find a job here pretty quick. As far as the drug test goes, well I can't pass right now, but if I get a chance I will in a month or so. I just…you can't do this!" I cried. Frustrated, I put my face in my hands trying to collect my bearings. _They can't separate the kids_.

"This is not for me to decide. I'm just here to tell you what's going on. Look, you see-"

Just then the waitress walks up to us with a tray full of food. I know she felt uncomfortable with my red teary eyed face and sudden outburst, but I just couldn't find it in me to care right now. She silently set all our food on the table and said a quick "If you need anything else, just feel free to ask"

"Thank you" replied Officer Cullen. He looked at me with a kind face and motioned towards our food, "After you Bella"

I didn't have much of an appetite, but I reached for my fork intending to eat some of my food.

"Um, like I was saying, you see me and your dad were pretty close. He helped me a lot when my wife and I first moved to this town. We got stuck on the side of the road and you dad just helped us out. Without even knowing us, called a tow truck and drove us to a good garage that would help us fix our car for a reasonable price. Your parents became quick friends when we didn't know anyone else in town. Your father was a good man and I respected him more than anyone else here. I know he would never want his children to be separated but he also wouldn't want you to ever have to deal with this kind of responsibility, especially at your age."

I put my fork down, "Listen, I appreciate what you're telling me, but frankly I don't care what you _think_ my father wants. I'm not going to let my brothers and sister be raised by strangers. This world is fucking cruel and all they need right now is to be with their family. I may not be much, but I'm all they have now and I won't let them down. They are counting on me on this! You don't understand, they are counting on _me_. I'm the oldest and I won't let them down. Now, will you please just help me? Just explain to me what I need to do in order to have full custody of them."

Without much hesitation, Officer Cullen surprised me by telling me everything I needed to know. I listened intently as I picked and ate some of my waffles. I don't know how, but he managed to eat all of his food while continuing his explanation.

What it really boiled down to was that I am legally the kids' guardian since I'm an adult and their next of kin. But a judge is going to have to look over my case because at someone my age, it's going to be difficult to watch over four kids….especially when one is still considered an infant. But I don't care; I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep my family together.

"How soon can I see a judge?" I asked when he finished telling me as much as he knew on this matter.

He took one large gulp of his coffee (black with two sugars). "I don't know, since today is Wednesday I can try to call some people and see if I can get you in to see the judge before the weekend. I know this is hard on all of you kids and I don't want the little ones spending the weekend in that home. Though I do want you to be prepared for just that, it may happen."

I held back my tears, "Yeah I know, that's all I'm thinking about Officer Cullen."

He reached over and grabbed both of my hands, "Now now, call me Emmett. Like I said, I would like to help you as much as I can. Charlie and I were really close. I lost my father at a young age too and I found myself looking up to him. I was a newly married man and father to a little boy when I met your father. Man, I had no clue how to tend to a house or even so much as use the right nails to fix a broken fence, but your father helped me out. He showed me how to take care my little family. He gave me advice when I needed it and looked out for me. Me and my wife Rose adored your parents. That's why I personally asked my boss to be the one to call you. This situation you're in…well…let's just say…off the record…it's really hard for me to keep my own personal thoughts away from my job. But my wife did want me to give you our phone number so you could call us whenever you need us. Charlie and Rene would have wanted me to look out for you."

I held his hands while he squeezed them a little to empathize his kind words. My tears fell freely thinking of how wonderful my father is…er…was. _Fuck_! I let go of Emmett's hands and reached for a napkin. I couldn't stop the heart wrenching sob that erupted from my throat as soon as I thought of my father in the past tense…_he's really gone_!

I remember my friend telling me once that throughout your life, you will cry differently when you lose one of your parents. That it will sound and feel like your entire soul is just getting ripped out. I couldn't even feel embarrassed the way my body shook and seized and just _fucking_ wailed into the napkin in front of a lot of unknowing patrons in the restaurant.

I saw Emmett out of the corner of my eye leave some money on the table and stand up. I rubbed my face, cleaning my teary face when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and he gave me an apologetic yet gentle smile.

"Come on Bella, we have a lot to do before I drive you to see your brothers and sister. Trust me, I know they really need to see you."

IIVVVIII

**Well, there you go. I hope you liked this chapter. Be kind and review. I would love to hear what people think of this story, like I said before; I really am passionate about this one. Lots of love,**

**-Roxy**


	3. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: All character names belong to the wonderful SM, but their souls are mine. _

_This story is going to contain very adult situations, strong language (I have a mouth of a sailor) and some sexual exploits. If this doesn't sound like your cup of tea, please go read 'Trying to Escape' on my profile. It's rated T and is my first baby. _

To Make Ends Meet

Chapter 2

EPOV

I hate this place. I mean really fucking hate it here. The luminescent lights are blinding, energy in the room is nonexistence and the toxic smell of death is all around.

But I have to suck it up. My old man lives here, so I really have to just endure it. I keep telling myself it's only for a couple of hours whereas he has to be here twenty four-seven. I really wish I could get him out of this place, but that's just impossible now. He's just not independent anymore and I can't afford to hire a private nurse to take care of him at my home when I'm at work.

The nursing home I have him in is okay though. I mean, the place looks like a prison with IV's instead of bars, but the staff is really good here. The nurses and doctors do their best to make the elders stay here as painless as can be, and frankly, that's the best thing they can do for them. Most of the elders here don't even know where they are or who anyone around them name's are.

I visit my dad here three times a week and I know it's not much. It's actually terrible that I can't be here every day. But two things are stopping me: I'm so tired after I get off of work…and…I just hate it here. I hate seeing my father, the hard ass man that raised me, is now weak and hooked up to machines that leave him so high that he doesn't even know who I am.

I'm not that bad of a son though. There are a lot of children who never see their parents here, unless it's their birthday or some holiday. I at least see my dad frequently enough. Mr. Anderson hasn't seen his daughter for over a year, he knows she knows he's still alive because she pays the bills for him to stay here, but she never comes by to see him. Mr. Anderson says it's no big deal, but it is. You can see it in his eyes, the sorrowfulness, when he talks about his 'little girl.' I can understand his daughter's inability to not want to visit though.

The harsh reality hits when you see your old man get his diapers changed or needs help to get up to into a wheelchair. It's just _hard_ to see the man who taught you how to be a man become slowly emasculated.

As I walk up to the nurse's station on the fourth floor I see a familiar face. There was Janice, a middle aged woman who has recently started to spot some gray hair. She's been here as long as my dad and she's a real nice lady. I mean really nice, you know? One of those people that you meet and just know they are genuinely nice. Plus you can tell she loves her job. She loves helping people.

"Oh, hey Janice. How's the day treating you?"

"I'm fine, just watching out for my people. How are you Jr.?"

She's always called me Jr. because my dad is Edward Sr. It just made it easier for her to call me that and frankly she's the only one that does.

I leaned up against her desk, taking off my ball cap, "I'm doing okay, how's my dad?"

She sighed. "He's not getting much better; we had an incident last night. I'm afraid I have some sad news to tell you."

"What happened?"

"Your father thought I was your mother last night. He was apologizing for asking her to make the roast for dinner. I mean, son, he was frantic. He couldn't stop crying and pleading for me to forgive him. He tried to get on the floor to beg my forgiveness when the other nurses came in to sedate him. I'm sorry."

I looked down at her notepad, knowing she had to do a lot today. "There is no need to be sorry Janice; my father just doesn't know where he's at or who you are sometimes."

"I know that Jr., trust me, I know. But I was wondering why the roast?"

I looked away and starred at the direction of his room. "I don't know, I gotta go see him though. I'll talk to you later Janice."

She gave me a soft smile and turned away to continue working. I walked along the hallway and couldn't help myself but look into the other rooms I pass. There are two people to a room and the rooms are relatively spacious.

But the rooms are so sad. Some rooms had people lying in bed watching TV or playing cards by themselves or just staring off at the wall. Mrs. Allen, I learned, always looked out her window waiting for her husband to come get her (he's been dead for six years). Every day she dresses in her best dress and waits by the window. You ask her how she is and all she's reply is 'today the day my Tommy comes to get me.' I know one day, she'll be right.

I walk in and see my dad, he's watching his favorite show, 'Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe.' Currently Mike is learning how to correctly gut and feather a duck. Gross.

"Hi dad"

He didn't even turn to look at me. He just stared off at the television.

"Um, I just got off work. We're almost done with the Silver Oaks contract and I heard Embry saying we had another contract in line right after we finish. Which is…you know…good."

Again, he didn't respond to me. I sighed awkwardly and sat down on the chair right next to his bed and just watched TV with him.

I followed in my dad's footsteps and began working for the same company he did. The pay is good and the work is constant, but boy is it hard. We have to work all day in the sun or (mostly) rain. Bill Build's, is the name of the construction company. Billy has known my dad for over thirty years, he got me this job. My father loved the work he used to do and he usually likes it when I bring up the job. I guess he's not in the mood today. Today must not be a good day for him.

"So, did you hear that Brett Favre might retire next year? I know they say that every year but I think he will next year. Two years ago he was pretty great. The man played better than he's had for the past ten years. That's a first time anyone has ever done that. Plus, he is the only NFL quarterback to ever beat every team, including Green Bay. The man has done it all, I don't think he has anything else to prove," I rambled, not really knowing what to talk about but figured it's better than nothing.

"My son use to play football. He was good at it too…" he mumbled, "very fast."

I kept my face at the television, not trying to show him the sadness on my face. _He doesn't know who I am today._

"That's cool; he must have been a good player."

He sighed, "He was okay. Nothing special enough for the big leagues, but he was good enough. He had his mother's heart though, so he never really tackled a person too hard. He should have and could have but didn't. That boy was just too soft."

I didn't know what to say other than, "I hope you were proud of him."

He turned away from the television long enough to look at me in the eye and say, "That depends if he's graduates high school. I swear I've never seen him do homework." He turned around and continued to watch Mike properly de-wing a duck.

I graduated three years ago on the dean's list. I didn't go to college because my dad started showing signs of dementia. In the beginning, he would often get confused as to where he was or who was around him. When I use to try and explain who I was, sometimes he would get so angry and yell out.

One day, he left the house for a walk and forgot where he lived. He went missing for the longest ten days of my life. We found him in Seattle digging through garbage cans searching for food. That was the day I knew I had to get help for him, I couldn't help him anymore by myself.

I know it was all the disease talking, not my father, but it's just hard to see it. My father and I were so close, especially after my mother died.

Right when 'Dirty Jobs' was over, I stood up and moved over to my dad. "Are you ready for dinner?"

"Sure, do you know what we're having?"

"Yes its Wednesday, so that means fish and chips."

The look on his face showed that he was happy with today's dinner. I grabbed his wheelchair by his bed and opened it out to him and made sure to put the brakes on (once I dropped him and I vowed never to do that again) and helped him into the chair. When I got him all settled in, we left for the cafeteria.

I kept my head down and focused on the back of my dad's head rather than looking at other people's rooms again…that shit is depressing.

"Hey kid? You think you could use your charm to get me extra fish?" he smirked. I got that smirk from him.

I laughed; one of the cafeteria ladies always hits on me. My dad may not remember who I am a lot of the time, but he sure does always remember Blanca trying to get me to take her out. "We'll see what I can do for you."

"Good boy" he smiled. I don't care if he doesn't know who I am right now, I'm just glad when _I_ make him proud.

We made it through dinner pretty good. Even a man named Thomas joined us for dinner. He went on and on and _on_ about how he knew he would never see the day when cars would fly. Apparently, that was his dream as a teenager, to drive a flying car. I smiled at him and nodded my head, but a piece of me feels bad that he most likely won't drive a flying car in his lifetime. I probably won't either.

I got my father ready for bed. I know the nurses could do this part, but I'd rather do it. So, helping him change into his pajamas and put his soaks on his feet because I know he can't sleep one wink if his feet are cold. I settled him for bed then quickly turned to leave his room, I'm tired and want to get some sleep.

"Edward?" he whispered. I turned around towards him with my heart pounding in my chest.

"Yes?"

"Come here for a second." He motioned with his hand for me to come back. I walked over with shaky legs trying to not let him see how much it means to me to have him know who I am.

_I never know when he'll come back_.

He reached for my hand and I gave it to him, "Why am I here?" he asked calmly.

"Um, you have some problems remembering things. It's best if you stay here where you can get the best help." I explained.

"This must be expensive. Who's paying to keep me here?" he whispered.

"I am, dad."

"You taking care of your old man, eh?"

I smiled a bit, "I try to."

He let out a gust of air and looked at me with such sincerity in his eyes. This, right here, is my father. The man that raised me, not the shell of the man that lives here. This is the man that took care of us so well, even after my mother died. I knew how much it killed him after she was killed to be around me but he never lashed out at me or neglected me. He was my best friend. I need him and here he is. I felt a big lump in my throat. I don't want him to go again.

"You're a good good boy" he sighed. He ran his hand down the nape of my neck and squeezed the back of it, "I'm so sorry you have to do this. With what happened to your mother so long ago and now you're taking care of me? Oh son, I cannot tell you how sorry I am. Are you okay? You taking good care of yourself?"

That's it.

I completely lost it.

Tears fell freely from my eyes and I sought out comfort from my father that I so rarely see anymore…I mean…truly see. He never has moments of recognition and clarity anymore.

"I miss you so much dad," I gasped, "So much shit has happened this past year and I wish with everything I have that I could just talk to you and get your advice. Dad I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself anymore." I cried. Feeling like a complete baby, whining to my father about my problems, but I don't care. I need him

"Shh son, it's okay." His reached over and hugged me to his chest. I gripped his shirt letting my tears fall. "Tell me what's going on and I'll try to help you."

"Dad, I don't know what to do!" I exclaimed hysterical. "I want to move away and not work so fucking much. I want a family, I'm so tired of being alone all the time. But I don't want to leave you. I can't, physically, leave you here alone. Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I'd rather be here with you as a complete stranger to you than not see you at all." I cried. After my rant I just laid there with my head on his shoulder.

I can't believe I just told him that. He should be worried about himself, not me. I bet he's all confused as to why he's here and not at home but he doesn't bring it up.

"Edward, you should go. Go make yourself happy, son. You can't keep coming here and doing this to yourself. It's _hurting_ you. I will never know if you don't come. If you say I don't know who you are most of the time, than let me go. You know I love you so much, my boy. I will never love anyone in my life more than I love you and your mom. You two gave me the best years of my life." He told me as he gently ran his hand through my hair, trying to stop me from shaking my head back and forth, "I'm so proud of you, Edward. Go move on. Remember me as your father, not this senile hunk of shit I've become." He smirked.

I leaned back against my chair and looked at him. I whipped off my tears away with the sleeve of my jacket, "I can't leave you dad. I just…can't. Don't ask me to." I sniffled.

He leaned his head back against his pillow with a sigh and closed his eyes. I would have thought he fell asleep but after a couple of minutes he sat back up and looked at me.

_Oh no_

I recognize those shell eyes

"What are you doing in my room? Where am I?" he looked around frantically. "Answer me boy!"

I put my head in my hands and cried.

_I lost him again._

"Excuse me Edward, I'm Janice, I'm here to sort you all out." I didn't even hear her come in the room.

"Get away from me woman!" He yelled, looking around for something, I don't know what. He pulled his blankets close to his face, looking so scared.

Janice turned towards me, "Go home now Jr, we'll take care of him."

I nodded my head numbly and walked out of my dad's room as they gave him a shot on his hip. I quickly made it to my car and completely lost it there.

I don't know if I'll ever have him back again. That's the first time I've had a conversation with him in almost a year. I don't know how much my heart can take. I miss him so much.

I don't know how long I was in my car, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I better get home before I freeze to death.

I got home in one piece, honestly not remembering exiting off the freeway. I walked in my living room and turned the light on. Sitting my keys on the nightstand, I took in the scene around me.

Empty.

I'm all alone.

I dragged my sorry ass up the stairs to my room, not really wanting to be here. Feeling lonely and completely empty, I decided to grab my cell phone and dial an all too familiar number.

"Kitty Kat's Lonely Hearts, this is Destiny, how may I help you?" a sultry voice answered.

"Um, hey Donna it's me Edward. Is Tanya there?"

"Hey there, you sexy man you. Yeah 'Trixi' is here. Hold on a sec and I'll grab her. I think she's just finishing up with a Johnny right now." I was quickly put on hold while the song 'Poor some sugar on me' was blasting.

I ran my hand through my hair as I paced my room. I hated what Tanya did for a living but there is no convincing her to stop. She loved the feeling of power and money too much to give it up. Plus, that woman loves sex. Boys, girls, they all did it for her. She wasn't choosy either, which made her popular. She didn't mind the skinny runts or the fat hogs.

The music suddenly stopped and I heard that oh so fucking sexy voice, "Is this my sweet Edward?"

"Hey Tanya, you have a late night tonight or do you have some time for me?" I pulled my hair a bit more nervous she'd say no…even though she never says no to me.

"I always have time for you. Just tell me when and where…I know you don't like coming here to the ranch, plus I like to keep you all to myself."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks a bunch Tanya, I really need you tonight. How about our usual spot at midnight? I'll make sure you have a nice warm bath waiting for you when you get there, pi."

I could practically hear her beaming with happiness when she responded, "Sounds heavenly, my dyad. I'll make sure to bring all the supplies I know you like. See you soon."

I smiled at the little nickname she gave me. When she first called me that I thought she meant 'dad' and that shit freaked me out because who would want to be called _that_ from a 5'9 goddess with strawberry blonde hair?

Turns out, that word meant a lot of different things in mathematics and biology, but she explained to me what it meant to her and how she associated the term with me. I guess it's a title that came from a Greek philosopher, meaning the number two representing the principle of 'twoness' or 'otherness'. She said she saw my personality as two different entities of a divine mind via a reflective nature that causes matter to become perceivable.

She said she thought of that the night I convinced her to leave her emotionally abusive boyfriend. I swear, Tanya believes she didn't see what was really happening to her until I made her situation truly 'appear' to her. Whatever. I'm just glad she left that asshole and thinks of me enough to give me a thoughtful nickname.

She even went with me to a tattoo shop to get the 'dyad' tattooed on me. It's a symbol two circles of equal diameter, the center of each being on the circumference of the other. I love it and often look at it when I'm sitting alone in my house. It is located on the inside of my right bicep. She got the mathematical symbol for pi (my nickname for her) right below her naval on her stomach for me, since she knows I'll always be constant in her life.

Around eleven, I decided to take off and get our place ready. Tanya always had a room on reserve at the hotel called "Rogue." She usually just lived at the ranch she works at but sometimes she just wants to escape and enjoy nothing but room services, spas, and me. She never did bring any Johnny's here, this place is clean.

She knows where I live and my house is nice (a bit small but nice) but she likes to spoil me, so instead of my place we come here. After the short drive from my house I waved at Jackson as he let me in the hotel lobby. Jackson has worked here for at least thirty years. He a retiree from some retail store and the social security just isn't enough to live by, so he works here. He's a really nice guy and always treated Tanya and me with the upmost respect.

"Hello Mr. Cullen, room 506?" he smiled as he reached for my room key.

"Yes, Jackson, thank you. How's the wife doing?"

"Oh, she's doing well for an old woman. Our oldest son came into town yesterday, so she's busying herself in the kitchen making him nice and plump. I swear, if any one of our kids comes to visit us she feeds them like they haven't eaten in years. Good for me though," he pats his growing belly, "I get me some good grub."

Jackson has six kids, four grandkids, one great grandchild and has been married to the same woman for forty years.

"You sure are a lucky man, Jackson." I smiled

"It'll happen to you one day. You're a good lookin' kid. Just you wait. I'll send Tanya up when she gets here." He smiled at me and pats my back a couple of time. I just nod as I waved him goodbye when I walked towards the elevator.

The room is on the fifth floor and it's pretty nice. It's a two bedroom with two full bathrooms and a very nice living room with a flat screen TV. I put my jacket away and my keys on the dish by the door. I made my way over to the bathroom to take a shower before I set up Tanya's bath. She always carries the best bathing salts and shampoos in stock here.

Standing in the hot shower eased my muscles. It feels so good to just wash off the hard day I had at work and the emotional train wreck I went through seeing my dad. I didn't stay in long, when I turned off the shower I just wrapped a towel around my waste and set up the bath for Tanya. She should be in at any minute. When the tub was half way, I added her favorite vanilla noir fragrance oils in the bath. I shut the water off when it was almost full and left to my room. I put on my sleep flannel pants and a Jim Morrison t-shirt.

I heard a knock on the door, "You decent?"

I went over and opened the door to see my girl there looking really good. I leaned in and gave her a nice long hug. I relinquished the feel of her small warm body safe in my arms. "I'm so glad you're here, I missed you."

"I missed you too Edward. I got our supplies here in the living room. Wanna get started?"

"No, I have a nice warm bath ready for you. Go enjoy it and I'll put our supplies away for later."

"Okay, you gonna join me in the tub?" she smirked.

I rolled my eyes at her, "Yeah right. Get in there; I'll see you when you're done."

She giggled, "Okay okay, I'm out." she began to walk away then turned by to me, "Thank you. I need tonight just as much as you do."

I just smiled at her as she left for the bathroom. I smiled when I opened the bag. Her 'supplies' consisted of pistachio ice-cream (my favorite), peanut butter and chocolate chip brownies, and a copy of 'The Boondock Saints' which is both our favorite movie.

I put the ice-cream in the freezer and the movie in the DVD player. I couldn't help myself, I ate a brownie and oh my, these are the best ever. I'm so happy I called her tonight; she always knows how to make me feel better.

_She's my best friend after all._

I know its weird having a 'harlot' as a best friend, but I don't care what other people think. I enjoy her company and I honestly have no one else in my life outside my dad. She gets me. She understands what it's like to be a fucked up reject that is doing what needs to be done just to get by.

Tanya had a tough life growing up. Her mother was a drugged up junkie and her father was a business tycoon that couldn't give three licks of a cow's dick about em'. When I first met her I was about six years old. I was playing by myself when she approached me in tears. Apparently, two little boys said she had cooties from her 'gross' mom and pulled on her ponytail. Her big blue eyes and red cheeks woke up a protective side of me that I didn't know existed. Without a word I got up from my Optimus Prime action figure (who was battling with his arch nemesis…Venom, since I didn't have Megatron yet) and kicked those two boys' asses. That day I took Tanya home with me to meet my mom.

Tanya was probably the only girl my mother adored since we were kids. Tanya was the daughter my mother never had and always envisioned us getting together when we got older.

That just never happened though. I love Tanya, but not that way. We tied once as teenagers. We even lost our virginity to one another just because we were bored and curious. But we had no romantic feelings for one another; we have a more brother/sister/best friend relationship. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her though.

Hell, I proved it when we were kids and when I had to wear a cast on my right hand due to breaking it on a guy's face that wouldn't leave her alone back in high school. No on messed with my girl.

"Why do you look so morose, sugar?" Tanya came out still only clad in her big white bathrobe.

Damn. She's gorgeous.

I smirked at her, "Sugar?"

She giggled, "Sorry, I'm so used to calling people that." She jumped and landed on the couch right next to me, "What's got ya all emo, dyad?"

"Emo? You seriously are calling me emo? Need I remind you of a _certain_ person getting depressed because of the loss of a _certain_ character on Grey's Anatomy? The worst show ever made and should _never_ be endured by any man!" I pounded my chest when I said 'man.' I hated it when she made me watch that shit.

She shuddered, "I'll never get over losing my Denny Duquette. Just thinking about that makes me want to curl in my bed and eat four gallons of cake batter ice-cream from Ben and Jerry's."

I through my head back and laughed. She really was depressed when he died, she's still not over it and that shit was like three years ago. He was her dream guy, I guess.

"Ok ok, enough making fun of me. Seriously, what's wrong Edward?" she turned at looked right at me.

I sighed, "I saw my dad today"

"That's nothing new." She paused, "Is he doing okay?" she asked worriedly, she really cares so much for my father.

"He's the same as always Tanya. Nothing really changed…it's just…fuck! I'm so tired. All the time, I'm just so tired." I put my head in my hands. I spoke without moving, "I got him back today. It was only for maybe five glorious minutes, but it was still him. He gave me advice and all." I sniffled.

I'm not a man who cries. Ever. But I will cry for my parents. The mother I lost so long ago and the father I'm loosing slowly. Tanya understood. She never made me feel less of a man for tearing up a little in front of her.

"I bet he did give you advice. I swear that man is an encyclopedia of advice. Remember when he advises me to stay away from all boys in leather, saying, 'a man that wears a cow anywhere but his waste is nothing but trouble'" she stated in a deep voice.

I smiled. Despite the face that she never did take that advice and those men where trouble. "You should have listened to him."

"Yeah yeah, I'm a woman Edward. I need to make my own mistakes." She brushed me off. She reached for the remote and started the movie. We were both quiet during the opening credits because we loved it when Murphy punches that huge chick.

"What advise did he give you?" she asked without her eyes leaving the screen.

"He said I should leave. That I'm too unhappy here and I should leave and find my happiness."

Tanya didn't respond. So, we just sat there watching the movie as it rolled on. When the boys got attacked by the Russians, Tanya got up to the kitchen and came back with the ice-cream tub and two spoons. We quickly dug in and continued to watch the movie.

"You need to get laid, Edward. I bet that'll loosen you up a bit, your wound up so tight." Tanya stated randomly.

I kept my eye on the TV. After about a minute I smirked over at her, "Is that an offer?"

She laughed, "What do you think?" she wiggled her eyebrows.

I reached over and wrapped my arms around her small shoulders and kissed the top of her head, "Nah, I can't afford you."

"You sure can't there buddy" she elbowed me in the gut.

We both got quiet again as I just held onto her and watched the movie. We got to the part where Willem Defoe's character (Detective Smecker) was dressed as a woman in order to get into Yakavetta's house.

"Ugh, I've always thought he was an ugly woman."

I looked at her, "Seen many men dress as women, pi?"

"Too many to count…just too many." She shuddered again.

I laughed at her, "You live an interesting life, don't you?"

She yawned. "Sure do."

She's obviously tired. I made her squeal when I suddenly picked her up quickly, "Time for bed for you, my naughty little vixen."

"Edward! You better not drop me."

I leaned her down and pretended like I was. She squealed again. Although, she should know by now that I'm a strong guy and probably could bench press her little ass. When I got to her room, I laid her down on top of the covers.

"You gonna stay with me?" she asked patting the spot next to her.

"Not this time. I'm going to clean up and sleep in my own room. I need to seriously think about some things."

She stretched, "I understand. You want my advice?"

"Of course" I smiled down at her and sat on the corner of her bed.

"I think you should go too." She leaned up towards me, "I love you so much Edward, more than anyone on this earth, but I know you're not happy here. I think you should go find your happiness."

I leaned in and kissed her check. "I love you too. Thank you. Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Goodnight." She whispered as she laid back down into her bed. I left her room, making sure to turn off her light.

I managed to clean up our mess and turned the TV off when the boys stated their prayer as they were in the courthouse about to kill off the gangster Yakavetta, execution style:

"_And shepherds we shall be_

_For thee, my Lord, for thee._

_Power hath descended forth from Thy hand_

_Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands._

_So we shall flow a river forth to Thee_

_And teeming with souls shall it ever be._

_In Nomeni Patri Et Fili, Spiritus Sancti."_

That last scene gives me chills every time.

I went to my room and laid down. Sitting there, in the dark starring at the ceiling, I made a decision.

I need to make a change in my life.

VIIIIIVV

**A/N: **So there you go. Seems like Edward has a lot to think about. I hoped you all liked it. Leave me some love, please.

Helper questions: Who was surprised about Tanya? Anyone mislead that _he_ was calling a call girl? What did you think of Edward's dad?

Lots of love,

Roxy

P.S. 'The Boondock Saints' is one of my all time favorite movies, if you haven't seen it GO NOW and rent it!


	4. Chapter 3

To Make Ends Meet

Chapter 3

BPOV

We rode over in silence. I knew Emmett was taking me to the morgue to identify my parents but I didn't want to comment about it. I just kept my gaze outside the window watching the scene fly by me. Most people in cars are happy and completely unaware of the hell I went through these past ten hours. One little cute boy even waved at me while his momma drove on by. I took the solace in their happy faces, soaking in their happiness because in all honestly, I have none.

I know my poor siblings are in a foster home right now waiting for me. Those poor kids are in an unfamiliar home, separated, and scared. They have to be there all day; it must be so hard for them. It is the day after their parents died. They have to toughen up when I know all they want to do right now is curl up and cry.

What do I tell them when I see them? Could I even take them home tonight? Do they even _want_ me to fight to keep them all? Would they rather have a fresh start as someone else, not as a Swan?

"You doin okay?"

I turned around and looked at Emmett with dead eyes. "Yeah, I'm doing okay."

"We've been sitting here for about ten minutes now. You ready to go in?"

I looked forward and noticed we were, in fact, parked in front of the hospital. I looked up and saw that it was relatively small, only about four stories. Looking up it seemed like the hospital was more of a jail than a place where people go to get treated. The walls seem so grey and lifeless.

I held my breath and closed my eyes, I could practically see my dad looking worried at me and telling me to calm down before I have a panic attack. I let out a gust of air, holding the sob threatening to get out. "I don't think I ever will be."

He leaned back in his seat, "I bet, but the sooner we get this over with, the sooner we see those kids."

I nodded, "that's true," I said, even though I didn't make a move to get out of the squad car.

"You know? The first call I ever had on the job was a hostage situation in progress?"

I looked over at Emmett again. He was smiling and I softly smiled back.

"Well, see this was the first time I ever got the squad car to myself, because you know, up to that point I was with another cop on ride alongs. This was the time I finally I got it to myself. So, I got myself this huge celebratory meal, I'm talkin a huge bacon cheeseburger with chili cheese fries and a giant diet Pepsi...I gotta watch my weight you know" he winked at me.

I smiled back at him

"Well, I just started my meal when I got the call for the hostage situation in progress and it turns out that I'm the nearest unit in town. So, I left that meal in a hurry, ran out to my Batmobile and booked it. I flew down the streets with the lights and horns blazing. I was so caught up in my own little inner monologue that-"

"Wait," I had to interrupt, "Inner monologue?" I laughed

"Yeah, the batman theme song? DunneneneneDunenenene Batman!"

I burst out laughing, "I think that's Spiderman song" I giggled.

"Seriously?" he raised an eyebrow at me, I laughed and nodded. "Huh, my son always sings it that way. Anyway. I was flying down the street and without even noticing it, I made a wrong turn and past it. I mean totally past it. I completely panicked and stomped on my brakes…I was so fucking lucky I didn't flip the damn squad car. Anyway, there was nowhere for me to turn around so I had to keep on going straight until I finally made it to a light where I could turn around. By the time I made it to the hostage situation, it already finished."

We both started laughing. "Really?"

"Really, that happened. Luckily no one got hurt. When I finally got to the scene, my captain was there and asked me what took me so long. When I told him what happened, he busted out laughing at me, the whole police department knew about this soon after I told him. It took me forever until they finally stopped calling me Batman….my son still does though. But I don't mind that he does, he thinks I'm a hero and that's just fine with me."

"Batman is more of a vigilante than a hero."

"No Bella, he's a hero. He saves other people from evil villains. That is my definition of a hero you know. A person that proves one's worth through courage and tries to improve the world they are living in. That's what I do and my son looks up to me for it." He smiles.

"You right Em, you are a hero. I don't know what I do if you weren't here. You've been so helpful since we met, I don't know what I would have done if someone else would have driven me here. I honestly don't know how to move from this spot." My lip quivered, "I don't want to see my parents like this….i…i-I don't know how." I cried.

Emmett reached over and rubbed my back a little as I stuttered and hiccupped and cried my heart out. I don't want to see my parents all purple, blue, and dead. How am I suppose to?

"It's going to be okay." He hushed me for a minute. "You know what I believe?"

"W-what?" I shook my head side to side.

"I don't think our bodies are who we are. Who we are is our souls. When we die, we leave our bodies behind and move on. You're just going to see your parents' bodies, not your parents. They are off in a better place, looking out for you and your siblings. Always remember your parents for who they were, not what you're going to see now. Those are not your parents, those are just their bodies."

My tears kept falling as he was talking. What he says is true, but I can't make my heart believe what my head knows. Just seeing their lifeless bodies will solidify this whole situation. It'll make it all more real: my parents are dead.

"Em…I…can't…do…I can't….do this." I gasped. "I'm such a horrible person" I cried.

"Bella-"

"No! You don't understand! I have not talked to them in months….months Em! They don't even know that I loved them so so so…..so fucking much" I wailed. "They will never know how much I appreciated them or how much I'll miss them. How do I react to this? Where do I go from here?"

"We go identify your parents so we could go see your brothers and sisters. James was not in a good place last night. I know they all need you. Let's get out of here. Come on." He patted my leg.

I nodded. He's right. I need to get this done and over with. Even though I know they are gone, a small piece of my irrational heart still believes that my parents are not the ones dead in the morgue.

I got out of the squad car on unsteady legs. Taking deep breaths, I walked with Emmett, holding on to his arm in order to keep myself steady. We walked through the hospital my parents were rushed to the night they died. My mind was at a complete surreal daze. I just stood there like a zombie while I let Em take care of everything.

Next thing I know, I'm downstairs facing two bodies under two separate sheets through a thick glass wall. My heart is completely pounding in chest; I could even hear it in my ears. They slowly raised one of the sheets from one body and I saw my mother. Her face was scarred and blue and lifeless. There was no expression on her face so I couldn't tell if she was in pain or not. Tears continued to fall from my face as my chin shook my lips. I nodded my head, telling the man that _that_ person is in fact, my mommy.

The man raised the sheet again and there he was. My dad. My daddy.

My eyes widen and I just nodded my head. The only thought I could process was that Emmett was wrong. These may just be my parents' bodies, but I will never forget how they look right now.

"Okay, I'm going to fill out the paper work and you just go sit in the Emergency waiting room"

I nodded again and left. Without really looking at anything around me, I managed to make it to the waiting room. Luckily, no one was in the room. I quickly sat down before I fell on my wobbly legs. I brought my knees to my chest and just cried. I couldn't help the noises that were escaping me. Clenching my eyes closed, I sobbed all over my jeans.

What am I going to do? I asked over and over again just starring at the wall in front of me as if it held all of the answers I need so badly.

I don't know how long I just stared off but at some point I gently registered a throat being cleared somewhere next to me. Then I heard a deep voice mumble, "Um, here you go."

I looked over and saw a very good looking man holding a handkerchief out to me. He had dark brown, almost reddish, hair sticking up on top of his head, as if he didn't have time to wash it this morning. He didn't even change because he was just wearing sleep pants and a Jim Morrison t-shirt. His face was layered with sincerity, his piercing green eyes hunched with beauty and sorrow.

"Thank you" I whispered to him as I reached over for the handkerchief. The tips of my fingers barely grazing his

"You're welcome" he sweetly replied.

Very unladylike, I buried my face in his handkerchief and blew out my nose like I never had before. I flipped the thing over and wiped my tears off with it. I knew my face must look so swollen and red, due to the fact that I kept rubbing it with the handkerchief. I hardly registered that my fellow awaiting buddy continued to talk; I just caught a bit of it.

"...people come here either scared out of their mind or happier as can be?"

"No" I responded not sure what he meant by that comment but my answer seemed appropriate enough. My throat felt too dry to really say anything else anyway.

He nodded his head as I turned more to look at him. He looks like the type of men I see in the movies or in magazines. He may be wearing sleep attire but even that just makes him look better and humbling. He's unlike anything I've ever seen. And all he's doing is trying to spark up some conversation to help us both forget about why we are here. So, I just leaned closer to him and listen to whatever he wanted to say.

He faced me, "It's true; people don't usually wait around here without feeling the ultimate scare or total bliss. For everyone, it's either fear for someone's life or waiting for a new one to be born. It's interesting to have so many mixed emotions in one room, except today…it's pretty empty."

"You come here a lot?"

"I do."

"Scared out of you mind or total bliss?" I asked, curious as to why he's here so calm and collected, he must be waiting for his wife to have his baby.

"Scared out of my mind" he answered cooly.

I scrunched up my nose, "You seem okay"

He leaned in closer to me and said, "I hide it well."

My breathing hitched and I cried, "I don't."

Once again I put his handkerchief up to my face and cried for the loss of my parents. Just the mere thought of them clenches my heart like no other feeling.

I felt this kind stranger's hand on my back, rubbing it gently. I was shocked by the feeling, but I mostly relished in it. I need comfort. I'm the one expecting _to_ comfort and _be_ strong for the others, but how can I? I'm in pain too, I lost my parents too!

But I can't think like that. I need to toughen up. I need to stop feeling so sad for myself and think about how I'm going to react when I see James, Garrett, Alec and little Victoria. I need _to_ comfort and _be_ strong for them.

"Sorry" I sighed, as I wiped my tears up again.

"You have no reason to be sorry."

I sniffled up, "I swear I never cry…but…but…-"

"It's okay; you don't have to talk about it." He assured me.

I leaned back in my chair and took some long deep breaths. I looked back over at the guy that's being so nice to me. I wonder why he's here. Why is he alone too?

I took another breath and extended my hand out to him, "I'm Bella"

Without really worrying about the fact that I probably have snot and tear germs all over my hands, he reached his right hand to me, "I'm Edward, and it's nice to meet you"

"Likewise…I just wish it was under better…"

"Circumstances?" he offered.

"Yeah" I smiled at bit. I finally felt a little better; actually communicating with a fellow human being is so incredibly comforting. I think it's easier that he's a stranger too. He doesn't know me or have some preconceived beliefs in me of how strong or selfless I am in trying to handle my family troubles. He's just a guy trying to help out a sad girl. Not many men would be so considerate.

Just as I was about to comment on how truly sweet he is, Emmett came out of the door. I felt my whole body immediately stiffen up and the whole world just landed on my shoulders once again.

He looked so sad and his eyes were red and puffy as well. I'm sure it must have been hard having to see his good friends in the morgue. "I'm sorry Em…I just…I can't…it's too soon-"

"It's alright, I didn't mind. U did the hard part. I just signed some papers. I was given some pan flips for some funeral directors. When you're ready, I'll give them to you. I want you to make all the final arrangements to how you want them."

"Thank you" I cried into the handkerchief. Remember who the handkerchief belonged to I turned over to a very concerned man. Edward must have pieced together what Emmett said and found out that I lost someone dear to me.

I looked down at the handkerchief and him, wondering if he wants this back. Without me needing to say anything, he raised his hand and said, "Just keep it. You need it more than me."

"I appreciate it."

He gave me a small smiled and whispered, "I'm really sorry for your loss."

"Thank you. I hope all goes well for you." I just hope that he gets better news than me today.

"Thank you, Bella. I do too." He stated. Poor guy, he must have to be going through something, being here and all. "It was nice to meet you" he added.

"Nice to meet you too, Edward." I got up and walked towards Emmett. We walked out the door, but not before I looked back at the kind stranger. I hope I get to see him again.

"I think I know that guy," Emmett mused.

"Really? How?" I asked curious. Emmett reached over and put his arm over my shoulders.

"I don't really know actually. My memory sucks but I could always remember a face."

We reached the doors and headed to Em's Batmobile, I giggled.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing Batman" I saluted.

He grinned, "Shut it Robin, now get your ass in the cruzer." He smiled as I buckled up. "Okay kid, now we have to talk serious for another moment, ready?" I nodded. "Good, we have to go to the courthouse to talk to a judge then if things go smoothly, you'll meet with the social worker. Now, I don't want to disrespect you, but you look like shit. We're here to impress these people so you need to doll it up a bit…not too much though, we need sympathy too. So look good, just not too good, get it?"

I looked down at myself. I'm only wearing yoga pants and a Fangtasia t-shirt; it would be a good idea for me to look more presentable. I don't even want to look in a mirror to see my face though. "Umm, yeah I guess. But all my extra clothes are at my house, back in Forks."

"Oh no worries on that, I talked to my wife about your situation this morning and she came up with the idea of you borrowing some of her clothes." He told me as he pulled out of the parking lot. "I brought a few outfits she picked out in the backseat and she made me bring a bag with hair brushes, hair bands and makeup. I think you'll be all set if you want me to stop at a gas station so you could get ready."

My traitor eyes got all teary again.

"Now don't get all glassy on me, Robin. Man up and put on your war clothes soldier!" he yelled as he pulled over to the nearest gas station.

I smiled and leaned over towards him to kiss his cheek, "Thank you. I don't know what I do without you. Please call your wife while I'm getting ready and thank her for me too. I really am looking forward to meeting her."

"She is too. I'll rally the message, now go. I want to try and get to your siblings by at least two, that way I could drive you all back to my home before dinner. My wife is making a big dinner for you all and I don't want to be late." He smiled.

"Dinner? For all of us? How do you know everything is going to work out?" I asked, worried that I won't be able to prove to a judge my reliability to take these kids…what is the judge really does ask me to drug test?

"I have faith Bella. _You_ are what's best for these kids, I just know this will all work out. Now get a move on it." he pushed me out of the squad car. I met him on the driver's side as he pulled out two plastic bags and a makeup case. "Here, pick out whatever you need. There's even some bra's that my wife thinks will go best with some of the blouses. She said you could keep all of it, the clothes don't, and I quote, 'fit her the same since she had the baby,' not that I'm complaining…her boobs look great but these should-"

"Shut it Batman, I get it." I laughed, he obviously didn't want to talk about underwear to me. "Thank your wife for me, this is above and beyond."

"None sense, now GO!"

"I'm gone!" I jogged off to the gas station. I went inside and got the key from the clerk and went into the bathroom. I had to ignore the fact that the bathroom was just….gross. I quickly put the bags in the sink and went through what Emmett's wife picked out for me, and _BOY_ did he underestimate her selection. These were nice clothes, like total designer. I loved them all and couldn't choose. So I got the white strapless tank (wearing the strapless bra, thank you), a nice black blazer, black slacks with white stripes going down (to match the tank) and killer classic black boots.

I looked at myself in the mirror in shock. This is the nicest outfit I ever wore. I would never have bought something this nice before and I can't believe she's just giving me these clothes for no other reason than to just be nice to me.

I fixed my hair out of my messy bun and put it in a slick ponytail (using the water from the sink) and letting my bangs hand on the side of my face. I went through the makeup and decided to go a little heavy on my eyes because they are huge and puffy. So I added some black eyeliner (not too much) and light brown eye shadow. Adding some mascara and a little chap stick, I was done.

Throwing all my old clothes and shoes in the bags I picked up and left the bathroom, walking slowly…I'm wearing boats after all and I do _not_ need to fall in these clothes.

"Holy hole in the donut Robin! You look great," Emmett praised as he opened the door for me. He took the bags and threw them in the trunk. "Now, let's get this show on the road. Oh and my wife says no problem and she hopes you like Mexican food."

I smiled, I don't even know her and I love her.

We made it to the courthouse just as I was wondering if I should have asked that Edward guy for his phone number or not. Definitely not, Mike would be pissed if I did.

"Now, we're on time for your appointment. I could walk you to the judge's chambers but I can't go in. Now don't look at me like that, you're going to do just fine." He smiled and tapped my nose.

We got over to the judges chamber and I turned to look at the big burly teddy bear that I already consider my best friend. He sighed and rubbed my shoulders, up and down, "Be charming, milk the sad face, say you're what's best for the kids, don't lie and be that fierce chick that yelled at me over the phone. Got it?"

I smiled and nodded. "Go get em' Bella" he smirked as I turned around and went inside.

I took at deep breath when I walked in and saw the judge. He was a big man both vertically and horizontally. Very intimidating

"Isabella Marie Swan?"

I nodded

"Please have a seat." He motioned towards the chair in front of his impressive desk.

Oh wobbly legs, I walked over to the chair and sat looking anywhere but at him. I saw his name on his desk 'Judge Jackson Worthington'

"I like to start with sending my deep condolences to you for the loss of you parents." He stated when I looked up at his face, "I understand that you are the legal guardian of your four minor siblings, but I also realize that you are young. So I have to ask you, do you want to uphold your guardianship or would you like to allow the foster system to take care of your siblings?"

I looked at him with my heart pounding loudly in my chest.

Did I want this? Did I need this kind of pressure in my life? Are they better off?

"Yes Sir, I would like to uphold my guardianship." I managed to state without sounding as nervous as I feel.

"Alright. With that, we have some serious issues to discuss. Your parents did have a trust fund for all the children, including yourself. Plus I see here that they also have a combined life insurance plan, which will help you greatly in getting custody because you need to be financially stable in order for these children to go into your custody and I see that you are. Your bank with discuss to you how you will gain access to your money. But I will strongly advise you do find a job. This may be a lot of money but it will go fast with four children. Do you understand so far?"

"How much do I have?"

"Well, combined with both parents deceased you have roughly a million dollars post taxes. Like I said, it seems like a lot of money but it will go fast and I hope you would invest some of this money in their college funds that are already set?"

I nodded even though I don't know if I could. I got to get these kids set up before I could even think about them in college.

"Now as far as the mortgage goes, the house is already paid for which is positive. The family car is totaled but the insurance company will pay for a replacement car. Now I have a stack of paperwork you must fill out as soon as possible. You will be working with a social worker, I'll page her." He picked up a phone and told someone to send 'her' in.

A woman walked into the room and steadily stood in front of me, so I stood up too. "Hello Isabella, my name is Jessica Stanley and I'll be the social worker for your case."

I shook her hand looking her over. She seemed nice enough, with straight light brownish blonde hair. She looked like she was in her early thirties and her face was straight, emotionless. I couldn't tell if she was a friend or foe.

"Now we must get through some formalities. This is completely procedure, even though some of it seems dumb, we must follow through with each step carefully. So, since we know now that you are financially self-supporting, we need you to fill out this series of forms," she went into her briefcase and took out a lot of forms and handed it to me (honestly she must have killed several trees to get me this stack).

"You need to attend an 8 hour orientation training program taught by our custodial staff that handles adoptions. You will need to be fingerprinted and have a criminal record check along with a child abuse index clearance. I need you to go to your doctor and get a TB test and a general health clearance. I need you to receive CPR and first aid training. I see you don't have a pool on the residence, but it would also be good if you take a water safety class, just in case. You also need to go to the DMV and get a print out of your valid driver's license along with your proof of insurance. Do you understand?"

"Um, may I have a pen and paper so I could write all this down?" I stumbled. I didn't know I would have to do so much

"I already took the liberty of making you a check list, I strongly advise you to get all this done as soon as possible."

"I will."

"Any questions?"

"Yes, can I take my brothers and sister home today?" I asked. This is the major question that would make or break my day.

The judge cleared his throat, "normally, we would require you to have all these provisions completed prior to guardianship, but we do recognize that your siblings would rather be in their home instead of a foster care facility just waiting as you complete these requirements. With that, we will let you take them home but know that we are going to be watching you closely. Starting next month, you will have monthly check ups along with drug tests that will be personally observed by Mrs. Stanley. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do." I nodded.

"Is there anything you would like to add before we conclude this meeting?" he asked.

"I just want to say thank you. I can't describe how grateful I am to have a chance to keep my family together." I straighten up my back a bit, "I will do whatever it takes."

"I commend you for doing this; it is a huge responsibility, especially with the infant in the family. Just know that you are on a two year probation period. We do have the right to take your siblings out of the home if we find it to be unsafe or unfit. Please make use of our confidence in you, do not let us down." He stood up and reached his hand out to me.

I looked over and saw that the social worker also stood up, so I took my cue and stood up as well. I reached my hand over and shook the judge's hand, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, now Mrs. Stanley will be the person you contact if you need any help. I will relook your application in six months to see your progress."

I nodded my head and Mrs. Stanley followed me out. When she closed the judge's chambers behind her she turned to me, "This is all my contact information. Please feel free to call me anytime. I will check in with you in a few days to make sure you completed all the forms and requirements. If you have any questions, you know how to get a hold of me."

"Okay, thank you."

She nodded her head and started walking down the hall. I quickly saw Emmett standing there watching Jessica leave. He soon approached me with wide eyes when he saw all the forms I had in my hands.

"Papers are good, right?" he asked

"Yes, very good. I can take them home. Let's go."

"Alright!" he grabbed the papers and we started walking outside of the building, "so how did it go?"

"Honestly, I hardly said a thing." I smiled. I'm so happy it all worked out.

"That's great; Judge Worthington is a good guy. That's why I asked him instead of someone else."

"Thank you Emmett."

"No problem." He smiled. We walked together to the squad car and just blasted the music when we drove over to the foster home.

When we got there, I put on my game face. I need to be strong to face them. I have to be

I have to be

I have to be

I have to be

"Ready?"

I took a deep breath, "I am."

Emmett check us in with the clerk as my eyes kept scanning the place, looking for them.

Walking down the hall, I went into a lounge looking place and I found a little group of three boys, one holding a baby. They were huddled close together.

_There they are._

My breathing hitched and they heard it. All pairs of eyes starred at me, but mine went straight to James. He had his long blonde hair in a ponytail. He had one arm around Alec and the other around Garrett. His eyes were red and puffy like mine. He looked angry and crushed.

I fell to my knees in tears as Alec ran to me and hugged me.

"Oh Bella" he sniffled. I held him tight and put my face to his little neck sobbing.

"I'm so sorry this happened, sweetheart." He shook in my arms, not saying anything. I gently peeled him off of me and looked over to Garrett who was holding little Victoria. She was just laying in his arms as Garrett cried. I stood up and hugged the both of them.

"Bella…I…I…they're gone…just gone" He hiccupped. I hushed him and rocked the both of them as Alec hugged my legs.

I looked over at James and he just stood far away from me. Running my hands through Garrett's hair, I motioned for him to come to me. He slowly did and whispered, "What took you so long Bells."

The air in my lunges just gushed out of me, "Oh I'm so sorry James, I swear I tried to get here as fast as I could." I cried as I let go of the boys and fully hugged James. I know he's a tough guy that doesn't like to suffer with people around him but I couldn't help it, I just had to hold him to me.

"Bella, I feel…so…so…lost," he whispered in my ear.

I took off his ponytail and ran my hands through it. "I do too."

Out of all my siblings I feel like I can talk the most real to is James. He understands the severity of this situation and he's always been my other half.

"I don't think I could…handle this…I so fucking angry….I feel like I'm going to burst." He shook.

"Think it'll help getting out of here?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Okay, let's get out of here. There are some things I need to go over with you later. Can you handle it?"

"I don't know…I don't know what I can handle…I'm so fucked up right now. What am I going to do without….oh…without them." He blurted.

"We'll figure this out together."

I leaned in and kissed his cheek. I turned to look at the others. I reached in and took Victoria out of Garrett's hands.

"I love you guys so much, my sweet boys." I told them as I leaned into James while Garrett and put his arm over Alec's shoulders., Victoria just in my arms playing with my hair, "We will get through this…together."

_I hope._

IIIVVVVIIII

**A/N: I got 42 alerts for this story (yes, I count them!). That's so epic for me, thank you to the one's that reviewed, that totally makes my day.**

**So, thoughts?**

**You all met Edward for a bit! And who here loves Emmett? I do. **

**Please leave some love and review. I promise there will be more to come**

**Love,**

**Roxy**


	5. Chapter 4

To Make Ends Meet

Chapter 4

_A/N: Sorry, I didn't explain ages clearly. Edward Masen senior is 51, Edward Jr is 26 and Tanya is 25. This chapter continues from chapter 2 (early Thursday morning). _

EPOV

Sleep did not come easy.

Groaning, I punched my pillow a couple of times and rolled over to the cooler side of the bed. Thinking about my future and possible moving options all adding with the guilt I would feel in leaving my father behind has fucked up my sleeping pattern.

I glanced at my clock next to my bed and saw that it was 4am. It's way too early to get up, I don't have to get ready for work until 5am and I need that last hour of sleep.

I rolled over again and just laid on my back staring up at the ceiling. I heard my door click and shut closed but I didn't look up. I knew it was Tanya. She pulled the covers up on the other side of the bed and lay down next to me. She scooted over and I raised my arm over her head. She took quick advantage of our position and laid her head on my chest and her arm across my abdomen, playing with the little hairs on my stomach.

"Asleep?" she whispered.

I took a deep breath and smelled her hair, "No."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really. I said all I had to. I'm just trying to figure out what it is I really want."

"How does your gut feel?"

"Fine. Well, right now you're playing with my stomach…" I trailed off and grabbed her hand under the blanket.

"What can I say? I love the feel of a good set of abs." She nudged me and hid her face in my chest, "You didn't understand. I meant what does your gut _tell_ you?"

"I still don't know what the hell you mean. It's too early for a riddle pi."

"I mean, I know your head wants you to leave and find happiness somewhere else. Your head wants to make that big step in having you leave this place. I also know it's your heart that is keeping you here. Your loyalty to your father and I are endless. You love us both and don't want to leave us behind. But you can't follow your head…or your heart for that matter. Both could be deceiving in reality. You have to trust your gut. Your gut is the balance between the two and usually is the best reaction to go with your first instinct. So, what does your gut say?" she coaxed me as she rubbed her hand over my heart.

I thought about her words. She's right; both sides of myself are in conflict with one another. At one point, I know I could start over if I just left. I could be my own person and do what I really want to do. Hell, I could even try to go to school again. There are so many possibilities, so many options for myself if I go back to school. I'm not too old to go back. I could study, learn and thrive in college. I've always been smart and I loved math to no end.

But…

Would I really be able to leave my father behind? The man that raised me and supported me and loved _me_ to no end. He never left me, not once. I know he wanted to get away from everyone and leave when my mother was killed. I know he would have loved to just start over and forget about everything that happened after the media circus that was around after she died. But he didn't. He stayed here, with me. He looked after me and supported me and gave good advice to me….and Tanya.

And then there's Tanya. I've bailed her out from many bad situations that could have gotten her severely hurt or worse over the years. Her line of work has some scary repercussions. Working as a courtesan is dangerous. She has had jealous ex's, violent Johnny's, and worst of all…stalkers. Who is going to look out for her if I left? She has no one else, just like me. I'm her protector, supporter, and best friend. She means so much to me and I just can't leave her.

"My gut tells me to stay. I don't want to go anywhere," I told her as I turned over on my side to face her. She still had her head on my arm looking up at me with sensitive eyes. "I can't leave and I don't want to. This is my home. I've shared some great experiences here with my family and you. I don't want to go."

"I don't want you to go either. You're my rock, my constant. But I'm not a greedy person; I wouldn't stop you if you left."

I leaned over and kissed her cheek, "I know you wouldn't. I wouldn't stop you from leaving as well, you know that right?"

She nodded her head. "I love you," she sighed as she closed her eyes and leaned further into me.

"I love you too, my darling." I whispered.

She shuddered a bit and a tear fell from her eye. My mother would always call her 'darling.' It was their thing.

"I miss her," she whispered back to me, "Both of them."

"Me too." I sighed as I closed my eyes.

We laid into one another for a long while. I woke up with a jolt when I felt a vibration on the bed.

"That's me. My phone is ringing." She put her head against the head board and cleared her throat, "Trixi speaking, how may I help _you_ this morning?" she said in her special voice.

I hated hearing this shit so I left the bed and went to the bathroom to start my morning routine. I looked at the mirror and saw that my beard is coming off very nicely. It was short, just covered my jaw line to my chin and connected to my faint mustache. It was the same light brown with a little dark red color as my hair. I rubbed my scruff happily, it looked good. I hit the John, brushed my teeth and washed my face on autopilot. I was only in my boxers when I turned the shower on and saw the door open.

Tanya was standing there already dressed in the clothes she wore last night. "Hey, you decent?"

"Yeah, I'm about to hop in the shower though."

"Damn, I was hoping you were already in." she snapped her fingers. I raised an eyebrow at her and she just smirked. "Well, work calls so I have to get going."

"Aren't you going to get ready?"

"No, I'm just going to get ready back at the ranch. All my good clothes are there." She walked into the bathroom and hugged me. I leaned into her small body and rested my head on her shoulder. "I'll talk to you later Edward."

"Okay Tanya. Let me know if you need anything and call me later."

"I will! Bye sweet boy." She spanked my ass and left the bathroom.

"Bye." I laughed as I peeled off my boxers when I heard the front door shut. I was about to hop in the shower when I heard my phone ringing.

I walked out of the bathroom, naked because I knew Tanya was gone, and found my phone before the last ring.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Masen?"

_Fuck_

No one calls me that except…

"Yes, how may I help you?"

"This is Nurse Johnson from Rosewood Nursing Home. I'm calling to inform you that your father has suffered from a mild heart attack this morning. We stabilized him and called an ambulance. They are rushing him to the emergency room at the hospital in Port Angeles. We suspect that everything is fine; he was coherent when he left. We just had to send him to the hospital because it is out standard protocol to do so."

My eyes went wide and I had to sit down on the bed before I passed out. I managed to croak out, "I'll head over to the hospital." Before I hung up the phone and ran my hands through my hair. After a minute I shot up to the bathroom and retrieved my sleep pants and Jim Morrison t-shirt, forgoing my boxers. I sat on the toilet and pulled on my socks and shoes before I put on my jacket. I shut off the running water in the shower and practically ran out of the hotel like a bat out of hell.

I drove like a mad man all the way to Port Angeles' hospital. The drive usually takes almost an hour if you're driving the speed limit; I got there in thirty minutes. After I parked I took the chance to breathe evenly. I put my head on the steering wheel silently praying that my father is okay, "Please mom, help him. I need him to be okay. I can't let him go." I repeated. I'm not a religious man, but if there was a heaven my mother would be there.

When I opened the door my phone rang again. My heart clenched until I saw the caller id

"Billy." I stated.

"Edward, my man, where the hell are you today? It's not like you to be late" His said in his rough, been smoking for twenty years deep voice.

"I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I just got a call a half hour ago telling me dad had a mild heart attack. I'm here in the Port Angeles' hospital; I could get a doctor's note…" I trailed off

"Oh no, no son. Don't worry about it, take the day off." He said quickly, sounding worried.

"Thank you Billy" I told him as I walked across the hospital parking lot.

"Of course, I'll pray for your father. Tell Ed I said hi when you see him, if he remembers who I am, tell him not to worry about the fifty bucks he still owes me," he nervously laughed.

I smiled. Billy and Tanya are the only two people who know about my father's condition. My father and Billy have been friends for years. Billy was devastated when my father got sick and has always been understanding if I miss work or am late because of him. I'm lucky to have a boss like Billy.

"I will. I'll keep you posted, thanks again." I snapped my phone shut.

Walking into the hospital, I was anxious to find out how my father is doing. The receptionist wasn't very informative, she just told me to wait in the emergency waiting room until I get called to the back.

I sighed and rubbed my face a bit. I didn't sleep that well last night and I was starting to feel the fatigue and worry taking its toll on my body. The nurse this morning tried to reassure me, saying it was mild and not a life or death situation. They said this was just standard procedure when their patients get a heart attack. Still, a heart attack is a heart attack and mild or not, something really bad could happen to him. The good news was that I was told that my father was coherent enough to tell them he was okay as they wheeled him out of the nursing home.

Walking into the waiting room I noticed it was practically empty, which is not too surprising given the hour and the fact that it's just a random Thursday. But I did notice a young woman sitting in the chair furthest away from the doors. She had her legs up to her chest and her head was tucked in her knees. I don't think she heard me walk in.

I set across from her and put my head in my hands. I wish I didn't sleep so late last night, but I really wanted to spend some time with Tanya. I ran my hands through my hair and looked at my fellow worried companion. I meant to just glance at her out of curiosity (I like to people watch) when she put her knees down and just starred off to the wall. I got to take a moment to look at her, I mean _really_ look at her, and I got to notice how beautiful she is. She's just staring off at the wall in front of her so I could get a clear look at her face. Her hair is in a messy bun, she had a little button nose and nice plump lips. She was chewing on her bottom lip and bouncing her right leg. When I looked at her eyes I noticed how red and puffy they were. She's been obviously crying.

My heart pulled for her because she seemed to be alone while suffering from something. I hate seeing people suffer, epically so when it's such a beautiful girl.

She still didn't register my presence. She just kept her gaze vacantly at the wall in front of her as small little tears fell from her eyes. I reached in my coat pocket and took out my handkerchief I kept there. My mother use to make my father carry one on him at all times and he told me to do so as well. Getting the courage to do so, I reached my right hand over with my handkerchief and cleared my throat to get her attention, "Um, here you go."

A little startled, she looked up at me and I got a full view of her. She really is beautiful. Even though it's obvious she has been crying and her nose is a little runny, I can see how naturally beautiful she is. Her face didn't need makeup at all.

"Thank you" she whispered as she reached out for my handkerchief. Her soft fingers brushed mine and it felt kinda nice.

"You're welcome." I looked around the room for a bit, so she wouldn't feel weird that I'm watching her so much. When I turned back to her, she had her face buried in the handkerchief. For some reason, I just felt so bad for her. I wanted to talk to her and make her forget a little of whatever is going on with her. So, I cleared my throat again.

"You ever notice that most people come here either scared out of their mind or happier as can be?"

She looked up at me through her thick black eyelashes and whispered a simple, "No."

I internally smiled because I got her attention. "It's true; people don't usually wait around here without feeling the ultimate scare or total bliss. For everyone, it's either fear for someone's life or waiting for a new one to be born. It's interesting to have so many mixed emotions in one room, except today…it's pretty empty."

"You come here a lot?"

"I do."

"Scared out of you mind or total bliss?" she asked

"Scared out of my mind"

"You seem okay"

I gave her a light smile, "I hide it well."

"I don't." Her lips quivered again and I knew, already, that this is a sign that her tears were gonna fall again. I scooted to the chair next to her as the tears fell from her little face. She rested her elbows on her knees and buried her face in the handkerchief again.

Feeling unreasonably bold…I gently….reached my left hand out to rub her back lightly. It was something my mother would do to me when I cried and it seem to always help.

I never touch strangers or even try to make up conversation….especially at a place like this where tension is high. But I felt some odd pull to make her feel better. Frankly, I was lucky she didn't push me away and call me scum and tell me to leave her alone. She even went as far as to lean into my touch a little more. So, I kept rubbing her back until her shoulders stop shaking.

"Sorry" she sighed.

"You have no reason to be sorry" I assured her.

She sniffled a bit, "I swear I never cry…but…but…-"

"It's okay; you don't have to talk about it." I patted her shoulders as she leaned back into her chair. I didn't want to say anything while she was recollecting herself. I want to put my arm around her but stopped, I can't believe I'm acting like this. I shook my head to clear it. I never want to touch total strangers, I'm just not that way, but she just seems so broken.

Her piercing brown eyes looked right into my green ones; it's almost as if I've known her my whole life. She didn't seem to be uncomfortable with me (a stranger) or avoiding me like a perv. She just leaned into me for conform. She quickly surprised me when she turned towards me and extended her right hand, "I'm Bella."

I gently smiled at her and wrapped my big overworked calloused hand around her small warm one, "I'm Edward, and it's nice to meet you"

"Likewise…I just wish it was under better…"

"Circumstances?" I helped.

"Yeah" she sighed, showing a small but real smile.

I was about to ask her if she lived near the area but stopped as soon as the doors in front of the waiting room opened and a big burley officer walked in. He had a somber look on his face and I swear I've seen him around Forks before.

Her body stiffened a bit and I turned to look at her. She seemed like she was gonna loose it again but trying hard to stay composed. The officer approached her and told her that everything is taken care of and now they can leave.

She looked so painfully sad and tired, "I'm sorry Em…I just…I can't…it's too soon-"

"It's alright, I didn't mind. U did the hard part. I just signed some papers. I was given some pan flips for some funeral directors. When you're ready, I'll give them to you. I want you to make all the final arrangements to how you want them."

"Thank you." She sighed as she wiped her eyes with my handkerchief. She turned towards me with a silent question clearly written on her face, asking what to do about my handkerchief.

I just brought my hand and waved it off dismissively, "Just keep it. You need it more than me."

"I appreciate it."

I tried to smile reassuringly to her, "I'm really sorry for your loss"

"Thank you. I hope all goes well for you." She said sincerely.

"Thank you, I hope so too." I sat up when she did and she smiled a bit.

"It was nice to meet you Bella." I reached over and shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you too, Edward." She gave me a gentle smile and released my hand.

The officer reached for the small of her back and led her out of the waiting room. I watched them as they left and gave out a deep sigh, I felt so bad for her. I hope she has someone to help her out during this time. Loosing someone is one of the hardest things to go through, trust me, I know.

Feeling anxious again about my father, I reached for a home garden magazine, not really planning on reading it, I just need to focus on something instead of thinking about what's going on to my dad back there.

By the time I was at 'learning to start my own spice garden' I heard my name. I looked up and saw the nurse; I didn't even notice her come into the room. She was around my age and was wearing Toy Story scrubs. She opened the emergency door and waited for me to come up to her. The closer I got the more I noticed how much makeup she was wearing.

Quietly, I walked behind her as she asked me how my morning was going so far. Without thinking I just said "fine," even though that's far from the truth.

She took me to my father's room and I saw him lying there.

"Now Mr. Masen, your father may be in and out of it for a while. We gave him something to relax him and help him sleep since he got here so early in the morning." She leaned in and rubbed my back, "let me know if you need anything."

She slowly sauntered out of the room and I took a moment shake my head. I hope she wasn't hitting on me, that would piss me off. This is not the time for that shit.

I approached my dad and his eyes opened when I sat right next to his bed. I cleared my throat, "how you feeling?"

He visibly shook his whole body, testing it out, before he responded, "I feel fine. I swear you guys are making me seem more sick than I am. Just do us both a favor and sign my papers so I could get home."

I tried to keep my emotions at bay, "you think I work here at the hospital?"

My dad pushed a button on his bed and the bed moved so he could sit up straight. He kept looking at me, "Well yeah. Why else would you be here?"

I didn't want to deal with telling him I was his son and he had early signs of dementia. It always ended with me in tears and him angry at the world while calling me a liar. Frankly, I don't want to go through that this morning. So I lied.

I sat up straighter in my chair, "Actually Mr. Masen, I'm your power and attorney. I'm just here to make sure the hospital staff is treating you with the up-most care. So tell me, how are you feeling?"

He didn't hesitate to believe me. "Everyone here seems to be doing okay. I haven't had any problems except for the shit of a breakfast I had. All I got was oatmeal with no brown sugar, could you get me something better than that?"

I shook my head, "Sorry I can't. You had a mild heart attack and need to get on a strict diet so it won't happen again."

"Screw that kid. If I'm gonna get me another attack I at least want to eat what I want to eat. I'm a grown man; I don't need to be babied." He nodded his head proudly.

I didn't know what to say. "Um, I'll see what I can do for you."

"Thanks. Oh and kid?"

"Yeah?"

"Make sure to call my wife and let her know that I'm okay. Knowing her she'll be beside herself with worry and I don't need that. She's pregnant with our first and has been having a rough time with it."

His mindset must be at another time. My heart clenched, moments like these kill me. I'd rather him not know who he is and who I am than have him think he's in the past.

_Wouldn't he notice how much we look alike?_

I leaned back in my chair, keeping the tears from falling. "Yes Sir, I'll make sure she's taken care of." I managed to say without cracking my voice.

"Good boy. Now, find a way to get me out of here so I could go home."

"I'll get on that later. You sure you're okay? You weren't scared or anything this morning?" I asked. I was so worried he was scared and alone when he got his attack.

"I was shocked to wake up at that hotel but they made sure to get me on an ambulance pretty quick. I was lucky to have people show up in my room during my attack." He smiled, "I was lucky."

I smiled back at him hoping it looked genuine. He thinks people happened to have showed up when he was in a hotel room when in actuality he's in a nursing home and those people are suppose to help him. That's what I'm paying them for after all.

"You sound very lucky."

"I don't know about the _very_, but I do okay." He sighed as he leaned back in the bed closing his eyes.

"You tired?"

"Yeah."

I watched him doze off a bit. When I knew he was about to sleep I got up from my chair. I gently patted his hand, "Alright dad, take care of yourself. See you tomorrow. Love you."

I headed out the door when I faintly heard, "Love you too, son."

Then again…I could have just imaged that. I closed my eyes and prayed I didn't imagine it.

I walked pass the nurses' station, heading out, when that nurse stopped me.

"Oh, Mr. Masen. I have your father's new medical papers. The nursing home your father resides in requires them. Why don't you just wait right here and I'll fish those up for you."

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Can't you just fax them to the nursing home?"

She smiled brightly at me and rocked on her heels. "Well I don't know…that's an awful lot of work on my part."

I internally rolled my eyes, but didn't let that phase my face. So I smirked a bit and leaned in towards her, "I would really appreciate it nurse…" I looked at her name tag, "Susan."

She giggled, "Okay I will." She got a pen out of her pocket and wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to me, "Here's my cell. Give me a call if you're in town sometime."

"Will do." I smiled and put the paper in my pocket, with no intention of calling her.

I turned and walked towards the exit. I wonder if I should have gotten Bella's phone number before she left. I would have loved to talk to her again. There's something different about her. She seemed so strong yet so fragile…so wise yet so innocent…she was a mix with both beauty and heartache…just like me.

I wished I got her number. I'll probably never see her again. I don't even live in this town, I live up in Forks.

Before I knew it, I was in my car. I threw the paper with Susan's number on it somewhere in the mess in my back seat. I blasted my stereo and headed back to town. I have to whole day off and it's still pretty early.

For some reason, I find driving to be therapeutic. Weaving in and out of traffic seemed to sooth me. I almost didn't feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I quickly picked it up before it went to voicemail.

"Hello?"

"Hey there." I heard a sexy as hell voice respond.

"Hey Tanya. How's your day going?" I rubbed my face, wondering if I should tell her what happened to my dad. _Probably not_.

"It's going. I'm sorry I left so early this morning. I had a Johnny who wanted me to go over and-"

"Shut it, Tanya. I don't want to hear what you did at work today, okay?" I seethed. She knows I hate hearing that kind of talk but she always seems to want to talk about it.

"Oh come on, this guy is hilarious. The stuff that gets him off is funny!" she laughed, "I had to-"

"I'm going to hang up if you continue this shit." I paused, waiting to see if she was going to test me.

"Okay okay…Geeze. What's got you in such a bad mood?" I couldn't see her but I knew she was pouting. She hates it when I get upset at her. But I couldn't help it, she pissed me off.

"Well for one, I hate hearing you talk about your line of work to me. Talk to your 'co-workers' about that shit because I sure as hell don't want to hear it. Second, my father is in the fucking hospital…so I'm not feeling all that cutesy and sweet at the moment, pi." I yelled a bit, just venting my frustrations.

She paused as I thought: _I shouldn't have said that_.

"What? Oh Edward, what happened? Is he okay?" she panicked. Tanya's voice began to crack.

I hit my head on the stirring wheel, knowing I shouldn't of told her that. I'm such an asshole. Tanya does not handle sad things like this well. When it comes to my family and I and something bad happening, she gets these panic attacks. She ended up in the hospital after my mother died for three days because she couldn't breathe. Her heart isn't made for heartache. Heartache physically affects her, which is probably why she hasn't been in a real relationship in years.

"Shit, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. He's fine Tanya. I'm so sorry, I swear he's okay. He'll be back in the home by tomorrow morning, it's nothing too serious." I tried to reassure her…reassure me as well.

"Oh Edward." I heard her sniffling. I could hear her breathing rough and trying to slow it down.

"Just breathe pi. Everything is okay; I'm on my way home right now. If something serious was going on I would have stayed at the hospital, you know that. Calm down."

I faintly heard someone in the background ask if Tanya was okay. She responded, "I'm fine. I'm fine." She paused for a bit, "I'm good Edward. I'm sorry for freaking out; you just caught me by surprise with that. Please don't do that to me again, I'm sorry for making you upset. I won't do that again."

"I promise. Shit, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay, now please tell me what happened. Is daddy Ed okay?"

"He's better. He had a mild heart attack this morning. It's mild, so I think they are going to change his diet at the nursing home. I don't think this should happen again."

"You sure?" she whispered.

"Fuck, I hope so." I rubbed the back of my neck and pulled my hair a bit. I don't know what I'd do if something worse happened to my father.

"Me too."

I kept my eyes on the road, just wondering what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. "You busy tonight?"

She sighed, "Yes I am. I don't want to make you mad, so just know I have plans."

Despite my bad attitude, I laughed. "Very subtle Tanya. Like I can't decipher what your plans are."

"Hey I tired. Not my fault your mind went straight to the gutter."

"Pi, your life puts my head in many places."

"I bet," she giggled. "Hey, if you need me tonight I could easily-"

"No, don't worry about it. I'm good. I'll figure something out, I got the day off today. I'm going to make the most of it….maybe go to a movie. I haven't been to the theater in a while."

"Eight months ago actually!" she laughed.

"You remember? How the hell do you remember?" I smirked, knowing her…I bet I know how.

"Duh! The last time you went to the movies was for that one date. Remember? That chick from the post office? The short blonde that asked you out when you picked up your packages."

"Of course I remember that. Whoa, I don't even remember what movie I saw." I thought back…I think it was that stupid Transformers 2 movie….

"I know why…" she sang, "It's because that chick gave you a handjob before the ending of the trailers. The poor girl, she liked you, she probably would have blew you if you let her."

"Her name was Laura…no…Lauren. Yeah, I went out with her twice and that was all I can take. I need someone with a higher IQ than a fish, thanks." I laughed. Plus it didn't help any that she got crazy jealous if another girl looked at me, even though we only went out on two dates. Ridiculous.

"I wish you would have let me meet her, I would've gotten rid of her faster than the roadrunner." Tanya said through a fit of giggles.

"Yeah yeah, I don't need a repeat from the last time. I can take care of myself; I don't need you to scare girls off. I do just fine without your input." I reminded her. The last time she butted into my personal affairs ended with my date yelling at Tanya and calling her bad names. I couldn't stand to hear it, so I told her to leave and never come back. Tanya always came before a piece of ass any day.

"It's not my fault you date dumb bimbos. I'm just making sure you get yourself a good woman. One that will treat you how you're supposed to be treated."

"Likewise, pi. Go focus on your own dating life and leave mine alone." I told her

"Psh, I don't date." She reminded me.

"You will when you meet the right guy. But hey pi, I'm about to pull up home so I'll let you go. Be good and call me tomorrow and we might get breakfast or something." I told her as I turned off the ignition and stepped out of my truck.

"Lunch sounds better but I will call. Love you!"

"Alright, bye."

"Say it!" she demanded.

I laughed, "Love you too, be safe sweetheart."

She laughed over the phone and hung up. I walked into my home and looked around. I have nothing to do today. I can't even remember when the last time was that I didn't have anything to do.

I sat down on my over worn couch in the living room. The clock read noon. I can't believe how much stuff happened today. With getting hardly any sleep the night before and the news about my father I felt worn out.

Then there's Bella.

I wonder if she's thinking about me. I wonder if she'll keep my handkerchief and remember how easy it was to talk to each other. I wonder if her day got any better. I hope so. Maybe I'll run into her again someday…it's unlikely but you never know.

All this talking about relationships with Tanya is starting to bum me out. I know I don't really have long lasting relationships but talking to Bella, for that brief amount of time, felt comfortable.

Closing my eyes, I looked around my home. Sitting in my living room, I look around wondering what I should do for the rest of the day. Nothing is ever good on TV; I just have it on for the white noise. I need some kind of noise going on in this house, otherwise the house would be dead quiet, making me feel lonely and depressed. The quiet forces me to notice the vast soundless emptiness that is spread, not only in my home, but also in my life.

IIIVVVIII

**A/N**: Poor Edward. He's so lonely. His dad didn't know who he was but Edward is sweet to pretend he's someone else. It saves Ed senior heartache and confusion.

But yay! More Tanya! I love her. So, you all get to see his pov when he first met Bella. I hope it comes across clearly on how much they are kindred spirits. I would love to hear your comments!

-Roxy

P.S. I'll to make a deal with you all. I'll give a teaser of the next chapter (BPOV) to everyone that reviews.


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